Checking In

It is strange to come back here. This place, tertiary and virtual as it is, houses words and ideas that were deeply important to me at one time. many of these ideas are still important, but I don’t hold them as close to me as I once did.

I recently realized that I felt the most alive from about 2004 to about 2011. That was a span of years that began when I met my dear friend Jesse and ended when I began a career. These events are perfect markers. In that span, I pursued ideas with a hunger that is a stranger to me now. I wrestled with many painful questions and I faced them with courage. I lived a life of creativity and vibrancy. In those years I felt alert and engaged. I changed profoundly from month to month. I had conversations I will never forget. It was a good time for me.

That stands in pretty sharp contrast to now. I work full-time and pay bills and I stagnate intellectually. The rush of discovery given to me by Tillich and Zizek and Rumi and Ellul is a faint memory. I can only recall it about as well as I can recall the pain of a past injury; I remember the way i would have described it at the time. I don’t really remember how it felt.

This is not a happy time in my life, but it is a better time. Those contemplative, bookish years were fulfilling to me, but they were useless to others. Now, despite all the anger and frustration I feel (and maybe even because of the anger and frustration) I am devoted to the well-being of others. If I have the luxury of lucidity in my final moments, I’ll remember being the contemplative with fondness, but I will be slightly ashamed. These years, with their unhappiness and anger, are the ones I will value.