Checking In

It is strange to come back here. This place, tertiary and virtual as it is, houses words and ideas that were deeply important to me at one time. many of these ideas are still important, but I don’t hold them as close to me as I once did.

I recently realized that I felt the most alive from about 2004 to about 2011. That was a span of years that began when I met my dear friend Jesse and ended when I began a career. These events are perfect markers. In that span, I pursued ideas with a hunger that is a stranger to me now. I wrestled with many painful questions and I faced them with courage. I lived a life of creativity and vibrancy. In those years I felt alert and engaged. I changed profoundly from month to month. I had conversations I will never forget. It was a good time for me.

That stands in pretty sharp contrast to now. I work full-time and pay bills and I stagnate intellectually. The rush of discovery given to me by Tillich and Zizek and Rumi and Ellul is a faint memory. I can only recall it about as well as I can recall the pain of a past injury; I remember the way i would have described it at the time. I don’t really remember how it felt.

This is not a happy time in my life, but it is a better time. Those contemplative, bookish years were fulfilling to me, but they were useless to others. Now, despite all the anger and frustration I feel (and maybe even because of the anger and frustration) I am devoted to the well-being of others. If I have the luxury of lucidity in my final moments, I’ll remember being the contemplative with fondness, but I will be slightly ashamed. These years, with their unhappiness and anger, are the ones I will value.

Upbringing

When I was young, my interest in religion was something people encouraged. In my adult life, it's become something people tolerate. It makes me feel like all the religious stuff that was pushed on me as a kid was just a way to stop me from having sex or doing drugs. I saw the church-world as fraudulent. Even though I knew lots of sincere, compassionate, honest people there (including some ministers), I couldn't help but feel that their goodness was being wasted in a den of dullness and spiritual sloth. And now that I am old enough to drink and fuck (apparently), it seems like people want me to drop the whole Jesus thing before it becomes dangerous. But it was always dangerous, they just tried to hide that from me, or didn't know about it.

I realize that that my faith is an affront to the values of the same people who first introduced me to the Christian tradition, but I believe that Christ is something that obliterates our assumptions and security and moral presumption. I believe that faith can be something that supersedes and cuts through nationalist allegiance, and despite the violence done in God's name, the faith that connects us over borders may be the only thing keeping nationalism in check. I refuse to allow my life to be ruled by the gods of Market, Nation and Ideology. And that refusal is dangerous. And it's lonely. And it's a lot to live up to. And it can make me a very self-righteous person sometimes. Other times, it makes me feel incredible guilt at how easily I fall right back into the patterns of consumption and exclusion and piety against which Christ hurled himself.

I know I seem arrogant, and I know I seem contrarian, but I can't get on board with the program.  I've never been able to.  I accept the civilising structures of power as a reality, but the cost is too high and I can not accept the world built in the image of these gods.  Out of love for humanity, I must return the ticket.